Finding out who I am...

Updated: Dec 17, 2019

Oct 2017, As a new parent I was worn out, I've just got back to work after maternity leave and wondering how I'm going to keep everything together - including myself. I hadn't prepared myself for the emotional and physical self care required in order to stay balanced. I'd also not seen how to look after myself from my mum who suffered with chronic self loathing, depression and someone who gave to everyone but herself, so I had to reteach myself, re-parent myself, on how to stay balanced. It was a really trying time as my son had a mild milk intolerance but it was enough that he didn't sleep through for the first entire year of his life up until we switched to soya when he was one. I was exhausted, the most I'd been in my life. I was irritable and dealing with a whole host of other emotions that were just too powerful now to suppress on top of being exhausted - the big one being grief. That's the only way I knew how to deal with emotions. To suppress and add them to the dark catalogue I rarely go back and look at again in my mind.


What I didn't realise is that for every time I suppressed something, while it wasn't forefront of my mind, it was still in my subconscious thinking. It affected how I saw strangers, the world, business. I didn't really trust anyone and that was affecting how I reacted to the world around me and it made me a people pleaser because that's what I had to be to get my mums attention.


As many of you know my mum tried to commit suicide when I was 14 and refused to get help for her mental illness for another year afterwards. It was a tough year that taught me a lot particularly about mental strength but I'd always watched my mum grow up with so much fear of life. Fear of flying, never passing her test for fear of driving, fear of swimming and I never understood why until very recently. She had a deep seated fear of death after a near death experience when she was a young child. It kept her stuck all her life because she had no idea how to deal with that fear and it affected every decision and perspective she made thereafter.


When I was 8 I always dreamed of singing, but I never really had the confidence to do it but I had the natural skill. The only person who knew I could sing was my mum but when I told her this was what I wanted to do she told me I'd never be good enough to stand out. That one sentence crushed me and I never sang to anyone again. I took it completely literally that my best was just not good enough and I had to work even harder than anyone else to standout. It gave me a deep seated fear of singing to point where virtually no one has heard me sing and I only reached out this year to ask a gospel choir if I could join them - 26 years later. Because I realised my mum was scared and it took for me to speak to someone who could communicate with spirit to realise that the only reason my mum said that was because she was scared of how successful I could be and she was petrified of what people think and she would not be able to protect me from people who were not so nice. What my mum didn't anticipate was that while I look like her, I'm made of different stuff. I wasn't overran by fear of what people think like my mum was but I became more fearful from that point because I took everything that my mum said as complete truth. The generational fear virus in my family had now been passed over to my generation.


It took for me to find energy healing to be able to unpick the first layer of fears, habits, patterns and beliefs I'd been given as a child to be able to actually release them. I'd been for counselling, I'd recognised what they were but what do you do then? I'm a big believer that emotions are just energy trapped in the body and cultural society has taught us with out stiff upper lip to keep them tightly locked in but when we do if affects how we see ourselves. From that one comment my fear was now that I wasn't good enough and I thought that in any aspect of my life and to be a success I had to work harder than anyone else and it was leaving me exhausted. I was lucky enough to get a job working from a national retailer and found my way in after funding my own business degree. That's where I started in buying. 12 years on I'm still there (part time) and had the most amazing career travelling around the world sourcing product, a gap trained strategic negotiator and looking after £111m worth of turnover. Its given me a very comfortable lifestyle and my self worth back. I proved to myself (and subconsciously my mum) that I was good enough by absolutely working my backside off and all hours.


It was a tough environment I worked well under, as well. My childhood of living in conflict with my mums emotions had made me very comfortable in a negotiation environment. It was emotionally cold and I finally felt respected and powerful - something I never was in my childhood. I adapted well because I'd been conditioned to adapt to switching off my emotions to survive but it wasn't who I really was. It was just that - conditioning.


My job was great for keeping me busy and when my mum died, that's exactly what it was used for. I fell in to dismissive grief. I had such good and bad emotions towards to my mum I didn't want to deal with it. There never seemed an appropriate moment to release my emotions and I just kept going, working, partying at weekends, holidays - anything where I did not have to sit with myself and feel all that pain rise up. Until I became a mum. There was no where to hide at this point I was at home enjoying my son and while I tried at first to stay busy going out all the time, 6 months in and with tiredness creeping up I was an emotional mess. The tiredness made it a struggle to keep a lid on my emotions, I didn't want to socialise anymore at this point because I didn't know if I'd last a whole hour without weeping at some point. I missed my mum awfully at this point. I felt all the pain of her not being here to meet her first grandson and it was at this point I realised how for the last 5 years of my life. My life had stood still because I just didn't want to face the grief and all the emotions that come with it. I hadn't been brave enough to face it and to be honest I'd not even realised that I needed to.


The last five years I'd been working like the clappers, concentrating on making our house pretty with my partner but I'd not being doing anything that truly made me happy. We had our wedding planned in 2016 but the venue got really bad reviews before the wedding so we pulled out and planned to reschedule but then I fell pregnant. I wanted to get back on with planning it but my emotions were too raw. I wouldn't be able to pick my dress with my mum and how could I ever get through the whole day without her there and without ugly crying as well. I hadn't dealt with the grief so it was a struggle to get enthusiastic about it even though I adore my partner. He knew it wasn't about him, the wedding was just one big fat reminder that she wasn't here. But my grief had taken such a hold that I wasn't enthusiastic about anything it made me someone who concentrated on the fact I lacked rather than I had and that was something in my mindset that I had to switch when I became a mum.


When I found Reiki, the energy alignment method and inner child meditations, I realised I was just chock full of negative emotions from a whole life time. One year on exactly and my life has been totally transformed. I've realised the importance of striving for inner peace rather than recognition in a job or for money or anything else material. None of that makes you fulfilled. Fulfilment comes from doing things you love, with people you love and who love you back during your good times and your low times. I learned to appreciate what I have around me and not what I lack because my mindset needed that and I learnt to concentrate on what I'm grateful for and let go of anything that didn't reciprocate the love and positive energy I was freely giving out to everyone but myself and concentrate on giving some of that back to me. Its not selfish to do that, at low points and all points in fact, its necessary to your overall happiness and its taught me to make self care an far higher priority and one year on from my self care commitment I do not have one reason to not continue that journey.


Its transformed my life for the better, I'm happier and for that reason I'm better company. You have to recognise where you are putting your energy and where its being depleted or sent around in circles and release any emotion - through energy healing that no longer is serving you. Negative emotions don't protect you from the world outside - they isolate you so if you feel like holding on to the negative stuff is protecting you and keeping you safe that's the minds trick to keep you stuck in your rut and tells you it keeps you safe because its what you know. You have the real you to dig out and find. The one you were always meant to be before the world got its hands on you and made you build a big fat wall around yourself. Self healing is about building a new impenetrable armour around yourself that's based on loving yourself unconditionally - your good and your bad bits because its you and you have a right to love and like yourself.


It was so relieving to take the old chinked armour off I'd built around myself because there were gaps that people could still get to if they knew where they were and still take me down. With this new armour of self love, its impenetrable because I know who I am and I'm comfortable with who I am. I love where I've been because it made it strong and taught me everything I know and it got me to where I am now. I know I'm enough and worthy of any good that comes with it and my challenges aren't problems they are blessing in disguise because there is something I need to learn about myself.


The Emosh Coach

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